If I were to describe my life right now, it would be a Pointillism painting.
This form of painting was developed in the late 1800s, in which an artist would dot the canvas with their brush. In the beginning all you could see would be dots, but when finished a masterpiece.
There are many instances when I can see immediately what is happening. God uses circumstances to produce new character or minister to others. I can actually see parts of the completed project.
However, there are those seasons of my life, when all I see are dots here and there not seemingly part of anything. The dots and circumstances are floating in the middle of nowhere without rhyme or reason.
Now is one of those seasons, and it has lasted for a long time.
Half of my life seems to be running in the car going here and there without stopping. School drop offs and pickups, running errands, household chores, ministry and the list can go on.
Did I mention the lack of energy needed, not just for the above but the emotional and physical needs of my children? I have two teenagers moving closer and closer to independence and a six grader who has been having a hard time adjusting to middle school. Then there are art shows, soccer practices and church activities. It’s a wonder I still have hair. Oh, then there is that too – the pre-menopause years.
My brain always seems to hesitate, get confused, forgetful, fatigued, irritability, hot flashes, night sweats, “Please Lord help me” is the only thing I can cry. And then I’m staring at all these “dots” of life and wonder what in the world is going on? What influence am I having? Have I done anything important? I sense no direction, or guidance on where I’m to go or what do. I’m in a sea of dots with no possible hint of how it all fits into the bigger picture.
Memories of the toddler years flash before my eyes. They were great times but yet, a nagging feel that I lost myself and who I was. I have no idea who I am anymore, nothing makes sense. I feel like a failure at times. There isn’t even passion to do the things I love to do like write. Are you tired yet?
While I sit here writing, the Lord gently reminds me I have spent so much time complaining to Him, that I have not asked “What is it You the Master Painter want me to see and learn?” I have questioned so much concerning what I am not seeing, that I neglect to remember that He is working whether or not I see it or if He even desires to reveal it.
These “dots” of hardships and challenges are somehow part of the Masterpiece, but I am spending way too much time complaining to sit back and be content with where He has me.
Is it possible that He is saying, “Christine, this is not a time to be focusing on the area you want. Those things I have given you? I’m putting them on the shelf right now. Be content with where I have you right now.”
That’s hard to embrace, but I’ve decided to wait on Him. I know He has it all under control and He has a plan, and it is perfect.
“For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11 (NSAB)